An office reports that they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words.
Early one Monday when an assistant was reviewing weekend messages, she heard an enthusiastic woman recite her name and address and then confidently say, "My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."
Everyone's a comic. (And I love that.) But in another sense, reconciliation IS a difficult word. If not difficult to spell, then difficult to carry out. But it's also an important word.
When my son was eleven years old he came home from school in tears one day. A couple of the older kids had bullied him at the bus stop.
We soon learned that tension had been brewing for some time. For several days there had been taunts, then pushing and shoving. And now the conflict escalated to fists. Rob wanted to stay home from school so he wouldn't have to confront the boys in the future.
We called the school and found great support. "We'll be happy to call the boys' parents," we were told. "And you should call the police."
"We don't know what we will do yet," I said. I felt that calling the police was a resort to be used when everything else failed, and I wanted first to consider other ways of handling the situation. I asked him to hold off calling the boy's parents.
The next day was Saturday. Rob happened to look out the window and said in alarm, "There are the boys who beat me up!" Two older boys were standing in front of our house, as if they were waiting for Rob to step outside.
I immediately began to think of what I wanted to say to them, but my wife Bev, a natural peacemaker, acted first. She opened the door and said with a smile, "Hi guys. Would you like some ice cream?"
They looked at each other in puzzlement. But they were teenagers, after all, so they shrugged their shoulders and one of them said, "Sure. Why not?"
They followed her indoors and Bev promptly introduced herself, Rob's younger brothers and me. She even introduced Rusty the dog. "And I think you already know Rob," she said, pointing to our son. Her idea was to help them to see that Rob was a person, not a target. He had a family; he lived in a neighborhood and even owned a family pet.
Bev drew the boys into conversation while we ate ice cream. After a few minutes, she said, "I know there's been some trouble at the bus stop. I think there may be a misunderstanding."
They nodded that there had indeed been trouble at the bus stop.
She continued, "Maybe we can talk about the misunderstanding so you can be friends."
They nodded their agreement and we talked until the ice cream was finished. Eventually the boys apologized and said there would be no more trouble. And there wasn't. Ever.
The vice-principal of the school called back the following week and asked about the fighting. "Did you call the police?" he asked.
"No, but we've taken care of it," I said.
"What did you do?" he wondered.
I said, "We fed them ice cream."
Reconciliation is a difficult word...a difficult task. But what could be more important? It may be easier to control conflict by force than to persevere and find a way through to harmony and cooperation. Force can stabilize a situation; it can impose a truce. But reconciliation leads to peace, which is a far better outcome.
Blessed are the reconcilers. May they be given all the ice cream they can ever eat!
-- Steve Goodier
Apr 1, 2014
Mar 5, 2014
Before You Speak -- THINK
I read an article about a Texas woman who sued the producers of the now defunct American reality show "Extreme Makeover" for more than one million dollars. The show depicted ordinary men and women undergoing "extreme makeovers" that involved plastic surgery, exercise regimens, hairdressing and wardrobing. Each episode ended with the participants' return to their families and friends, showing the reactions of their loved ones, who had not been allowed to see the incremental changes during their absence.
The woman came to Los Angeles to be a contestant on the show after undergoing a series of medical exams to determine if her crooked teeth and droopy eyes could be fixed and her small breasts enhanced. They determined she might be a good candidate for their extreme makeover techniques and signed her on.
To prepare for the show, the producers sent a crew to her home to interview the woman and her family. The suit claims the Extreme Makeover crew manipulated the contestant's sister into making blunt and cruel statements on camera disparaging her sister's looks, presumably for more dramatic effect on television.
But the night before the woman's makeover was to begin, the show's producers told her it would take too long for work on her jaw to heal and she would not be able to participate as a makeover recipient. They canceled her appearance and she returned home to her distraught sister who had made the hurtful remarks. The sister was so upset over what she had said, she eventually took her life, according to the suit. The lawsuit was eventually settled out of court.
There are few things in this world as powerful as words. Too late this family learned that, once hurtful words have been spoken, they can never be retrieved.
We're told that architect Frank Lloyd Wright had his own ideas on the power of words. He once said, “I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.” (That gives me pause each time I sit down to write.)
But words alone can effect great good as well as evil. A few apt words have swept candidates into office, ended as well as started wars, paved the way for peace and carried with them both hope as well as despair. Words alone have ruined lives, but have also brought forth healing. It is well known the harm words can cause, but the good they can bring is equally impressive.
Your words of encouragement at the appropriate time can lift a person from hopelessness or build a lasting bridge of friendship. They seem little things, but carry with them tremendous power.
Here is some of the best advice I've come across concerning how we use words.
Before you speak (before you write): THINK.
T is it True?
H is it Helpful?
I is it Inspiring?
N is it Necessary?
K is it Kind?
Your words have immeasurable power. Use them with care.
– Steve Goodier
The woman came to Los Angeles to be a contestant on the show after undergoing a series of medical exams to determine if her crooked teeth and droopy eyes could be fixed and her small breasts enhanced. They determined she might be a good candidate for their extreme makeover techniques and signed her on.
To prepare for the show, the producers sent a crew to her home to interview the woman and her family. The suit claims the Extreme Makeover crew manipulated the contestant's sister into making blunt and cruel statements on camera disparaging her sister's looks, presumably for more dramatic effect on television.
But the night before the woman's makeover was to begin, the show's producers told her it would take too long for work on her jaw to heal and she would not be able to participate as a makeover recipient. They canceled her appearance and she returned home to her distraught sister who had made the hurtful remarks. The sister was so upset over what she had said, she eventually took her life, according to the suit. The lawsuit was eventually settled out of court.
There are few things in this world as powerful as words. Too late this family learned that, once hurtful words have been spoken, they can never be retrieved.
We're told that architect Frank Lloyd Wright had his own ideas on the power of words. He once said, “I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.” (That gives me pause each time I sit down to write.)
But words alone can effect great good as well as evil. A few apt words have swept candidates into office, ended as well as started wars, paved the way for peace and carried with them both hope as well as despair. Words alone have ruined lives, but have also brought forth healing. It is well known the harm words can cause, but the good they can bring is equally impressive.
Your words of encouragement at the appropriate time can lift a person from hopelessness or build a lasting bridge of friendship. They seem little things, but carry with them tremendous power.
Here is some of the best advice I've come across concerning how we use words.
Before you speak (before you write): THINK.
T is it True?
H is it Helpful?
I is it Inspiring?
N is it Necessary?
K is it Kind?
Your words have immeasurable power. Use them with care.
– Steve Goodier
Feb 28, 2014
Chasing a Dream
In his book Asimov Laughs Again, author Isaac Asimov relates an incident when he was interviewed by television journalist Barbara Walters.
She asked him how many books he had written and then asked, “Don’t you ever want to do anything but write?”
He said, “No.”
She pressed on. “Don’t you want to go hunting? Fishing? Dancing? Hiking?”
This time he answered, “No! No! No! And no!”
She continued, “But what would you do if the doctor gave you only six months to live?”
He said, “Type faster.”
Isaac Asimov spent his life doing what he loved. I am aware that there are those people who find no satisfaction or joy from making a living. They don't like what they do and they live for weekends and holidays. Some of them feel trapped and believe they can't make a meaningful change because they don't have the skills, education, money or favorable circumstances. So they decide to dig in and keep on slogging forward.
I don't want to say they are wrong, for there are many reasons we each choose our individual paths. But I'm drawn to a truth expressed so clearly by Norman Cousins. “The tragedy of life is not death,” says Cousins, “but what we let die inside of us while we live.” I agree. Death is not a tragedy in itself. All of us will die. It is as natural as birth. The tragedy is what we let die inside us while we live. Like unrealized dreams. Like a passion to be or do something that is calling to us from someplace deep. The real tragedy of life is settling for less while something dies inside us.
Leaving the safety of what is known and venturing into the unknown can be one of the scariest – and best – decisions a person can make. "There is no security in following the call to adventure,” writer Joseph Campbell says. I know what he is talking about. I've followed that call more than once. And it can be frightening. But you know what's worse? Regret. Looking back and wishing that we had risked the adventure. Or just letting the desire dry up and finally die.
Leaving what feels secure behind and following the beckoning of our hearts doesn't always end as we expect or hope. We may even fail. But here's the payoff: it can also be amazing and wonderful and immensely satisfying.
In the end, we really only have one question when it comes to chasing a significant dream. It is whether we will say yes.
– Steve Goodier
She asked him how many books he had written and then asked, “Don’t you ever want to do anything but write?”
He said, “No.”
She pressed on. “Don’t you want to go hunting? Fishing? Dancing? Hiking?”
This time he answered, “No! No! No! And no!”
She continued, “But what would you do if the doctor gave you only six months to live?”
He said, “Type faster.”
Isaac Asimov spent his life doing what he loved. I am aware that there are those people who find no satisfaction or joy from making a living. They don't like what they do and they live for weekends and holidays. Some of them feel trapped and believe they can't make a meaningful change because they don't have the skills, education, money or favorable circumstances. So they decide to dig in and keep on slogging forward.
I don't want to say they are wrong, for there are many reasons we each choose our individual paths. But I'm drawn to a truth expressed so clearly by Norman Cousins. “The tragedy of life is not death,” says Cousins, “but what we let die inside of us while we live.” I agree. Death is not a tragedy in itself. All of us will die. It is as natural as birth. The tragedy is what we let die inside us while we live. Like unrealized dreams. Like a passion to be or do something that is calling to us from someplace deep. The real tragedy of life is settling for less while something dies inside us.
Leaving the safety of what is known and venturing into the unknown can be one of the scariest – and best – decisions a person can make. "There is no security in following the call to adventure,” writer Joseph Campbell says. I know what he is talking about. I've followed that call more than once. And it can be frightening. But you know what's worse? Regret. Looking back and wishing that we had risked the adventure. Or just letting the desire dry up and finally die.
Leaving what feels secure behind and following the beckoning of our hearts doesn't always end as we expect or hope. We may even fail. But here's the payoff: it can also be amazing and wonderful and immensely satisfying.
In the end, we really only have one question when it comes to chasing a significant dream. It is whether we will say yes.
– Steve Goodier
Feb 2, 2014
Gong Xi Fa Cai
The new lunar year begins on Li Chun (start of spring), which falls on 4 Feb 2014 though we celebrated the new year holiday on 31 Jan 2014, based on the Lunar calendar.
Wish you all have a 马-vellous Year of the Horse! ;)
Wish you all have a 马-vellous Year of the Horse! ;)
Jan 8, 2014
Surprise!
Have you been surprised lately?
A woman called her pastor. "We just won $10 million in the lottery!" she exclaimed. "But I'm afraid to tell my husband. He has a weak heart and I'm afraid he may have a heart attack. Pastor, would you be able to tell him for me?"
The clergyman thought that perhaps he could, so he came right over and sat down with the man. "What would you do," he began, "if you were to win $500,000 in the lottery?"
"I suppose my wife could quit her job and I could work less and relax more," the man reflected.
"What would you do if you were to win a million dollars?" the pastor continued.
"If I were to win that much we could both retire," the man said. "Life would be easy."
The clergyman forged on. "Well, what would you do if you were to win five million dollars?"
"We could do anything we wanted," he mused. "We could travel, live anywhere in the world and enjoy a life we never dreamed was possible."
Finally he got to it. "Now tell me...what would you do if you won ten million dollars in the lottery?"
"Ten million dollars? Why, if I ever won that much, Pastor, I know one thing for sure. I'd give half of it to you and the church."
You guessed it. The pastor had a heart attack.
I don't know if a gift of massive wealth will turn out as wonderful as one might think, but it's probably a good thing that most surprises don't come in such huge helpings. I think I prefer my surprises to come in smaller, bite-sized portions. Even the good ones. And I'm discovering that the world is full of daily, happy surprises, if I just have eyes to see.
Have you noticed that we will tend to see what we look for and miss most of the rest? I once observed a class instructor hold up a large sheet of white paper. It seemed to be clean except for a black dot in the center made by a heavy marker. He asked us to tell him what we saw. Everyone who raised their hand predictably pointed out the black mark, each describing it differently. Then the teacher asked, “Why didn't anyone say they saw a sheet of white paper?”
Was that answer too obvious? Maybe so, but I often miss the obvious because I'm busy looking for something else. I might be surprised at what I can see if I were to actually look for it.
If I search for mistakes in myself or others, I will find enough to keep me critical for a week. Likewise, if I look every day for what is admirable in others, what is pure in myself and what is lovely in the world, all of these things suddenly become obvious. But the large sheet of white paper is easy to miss when I am searching for black smudges.
Confucius taught, “Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” And baseball great Yogi Berra added, “You can observe a lot by watching.” It's about what I'm going to look for, and that's enough of a surprise for me.
– Steve Goodier
A woman called her pastor. "We just won $10 million in the lottery!" she exclaimed. "But I'm afraid to tell my husband. He has a weak heart and I'm afraid he may have a heart attack. Pastor, would you be able to tell him for me?"
The clergyman thought that perhaps he could, so he came right over and sat down with the man. "What would you do," he began, "if you were to win $500,000 in the lottery?"
"I suppose my wife could quit her job and I could work less and relax more," the man reflected.
"What would you do if you were to win a million dollars?" the pastor continued.
"If I were to win that much we could both retire," the man said. "Life would be easy."
The clergyman forged on. "Well, what would you do if you were to win five million dollars?"
"We could do anything we wanted," he mused. "We could travel, live anywhere in the world and enjoy a life we never dreamed was possible."
Finally he got to it. "Now tell me...what would you do if you won ten million dollars in the lottery?"
"Ten million dollars? Why, if I ever won that much, Pastor, I know one thing for sure. I'd give half of it to you and the church."
You guessed it. The pastor had a heart attack.
I don't know if a gift of massive wealth will turn out as wonderful as one might think, but it's probably a good thing that most surprises don't come in such huge helpings. I think I prefer my surprises to come in smaller, bite-sized portions. Even the good ones. And I'm discovering that the world is full of daily, happy surprises, if I just have eyes to see.
Have you noticed that we will tend to see what we look for and miss most of the rest? I once observed a class instructor hold up a large sheet of white paper. It seemed to be clean except for a black dot in the center made by a heavy marker. He asked us to tell him what we saw. Everyone who raised their hand predictably pointed out the black mark, each describing it differently. Then the teacher asked, “Why didn't anyone say they saw a sheet of white paper?”
Was that answer too obvious? Maybe so, but I often miss the obvious because I'm busy looking for something else. I might be surprised at what I can see if I were to actually look for it.
If I search for mistakes in myself or others, I will find enough to keep me critical for a week. Likewise, if I look every day for what is admirable in others, what is pure in myself and what is lovely in the world, all of these things suddenly become obvious. But the large sheet of white paper is easy to miss when I am searching for black smudges.
Confucius taught, “Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” And baseball great Yogi Berra added, “You can observe a lot by watching.” It's about what I'm going to look for, and that's enough of a surprise for me.
– Steve Goodier
Dec 24, 2013
Time to Wake Up?
A Buddhist monk strode into a Zen pizza parlor and said, "Make me one with everything." The proprietor appreciated the Zen humor and, when the monk paid with $20 bill, the guy pocketed it.
"Hey," asked the monk, "where's my change?"
"Change," replied the owner inscrutably, "must come from within."
And it's true: we can wait for things to change or we can change ourselves. One way rarely works while the other rarely fails.
I have a friend who used to teach literature to high school students. He once told me how maligned the name of Ebenezer Scrooge has become. “Dickens never meant for Scrooge to be a villain,” he once said, speaking of Charles Dickens' classic “Christmas Carol.” Yes, Scrooge was a miser and disliked by pretty much everybody. But my friend reminds me that the story doesn't end there. It doesn't end with Scrooge dying a miserable and lonely death. The point of the story is that Scrooge WAKES UP. After the restless night of ghost visitations, he wakes up and decides that things truly can be different. He can choose to be compassionate, generous and happy. He understands that he can behave toward others in a different way. He can look at things differently. His miserable past does not need to determine his future. His life story illustrates the words of George Elliot: “It is never too late to be what you might have been.”
“To this day,” my friend says, “the name of Scrooge is synonymous with somebody stingy and selfish when it should be just the opposite. Scrooge woke up and made different decisions. He lived the rest of his life a model of generosity and joy and goodwill toward all. Nobody ever “kept Christmas,” Dickens tells us, like Ebenezer Scrooge.
I regularly remind myself that it is not too late to be what I might have been. And I'm learning that anything can happen...when I wake up and make different decisions.
-- Steve Goodier
"Hey," asked the monk, "where's my change?"
"Change," replied the owner inscrutably, "must come from within."
And it's true: we can wait for things to change or we can change ourselves. One way rarely works while the other rarely fails.
I have a friend who used to teach literature to high school students. He once told me how maligned the name of Ebenezer Scrooge has become. “Dickens never meant for Scrooge to be a villain,” he once said, speaking of Charles Dickens' classic “Christmas Carol.” Yes, Scrooge was a miser and disliked by pretty much everybody. But my friend reminds me that the story doesn't end there. It doesn't end with Scrooge dying a miserable and lonely death. The point of the story is that Scrooge WAKES UP. After the restless night of ghost visitations, he wakes up and decides that things truly can be different. He can choose to be compassionate, generous and happy. He understands that he can behave toward others in a different way. He can look at things differently. His miserable past does not need to determine his future. His life story illustrates the words of George Elliot: “It is never too late to be what you might have been.”
“To this day,” my friend says, “the name of Scrooge is synonymous with somebody stingy and selfish when it should be just the opposite. Scrooge woke up and made different decisions. He lived the rest of his life a model of generosity and joy and goodwill toward all. Nobody ever “kept Christmas,” Dickens tells us, like Ebenezer Scrooge.
I regularly remind myself that it is not too late to be what I might have been. And I'm learning that anything can happen...when I wake up and make different decisions.
-- Steve Goodier
Dec 11, 2013
My Favorite Computer Key
Do you know what my favorite key is on my computer? It's the DELETE key. All kinds of problems go away when I press DELETE. I use it all the time. Junk e-mail? DELETE. Misspellings? DELETE. Unwieldy sentences and confusing paragraphs? DELETE. DELETE. I sometimes wish my life had a DELETE key. One click on the key and I wipe out a mistake. Maybe another click and I could start the day all over again.
And being one who blunders in grand fashion, I have empathy for others who wish they could go back and start over. Like the couple that phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. As the phone was answered they belted out the song "Happy Birthday." But when they finished their off-key rendition, they were informed that they had dialed the wrong number. After listening to their embarrassed apologies, the recipient said, "Don't let it bother you. You folks need all the practice you can get."
According to Tara Kelly Walworth (Reader's Digest), she and her new husband had an afternoon they may have wanted to take back. They arrived exhausted at their honeymoon destination in Daytona Beach, Florida (USA) and decided to refresh themselves in the motel pool. She figured she'd lost a few pounds leading up to the wedding when she discovered her skimpy, new bikini fit too loosely. Every time she dived into the pool she seemed to lose either the top or bottom. But since they had the pool to themselves, they just laughed and retrieved the pieces.
They later dressed for dinner and decided to eat in the motel restaurant. Waiting for a table in the lounge, they noticed a huge, empty, glistening fish tank above the bar. "Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty?" her husband asked the bartender.
The man grinned broadly and said, "That's not a fish tank. It's the swimming pool."
I think it was New York City Mayor Fiorello Laguardia who once said, “I rarely make a mistake. But when I do, it's a beaut!”
Have you ever wanted to take back an embarrassing moment? Or more importantly, how often have you regretted a hasty decision that ended with disastrous consequences? Or an unfair and angry outburst that caused unnecessary hurt? Some of my worst mistakes were not the embarrassing moments (later on they make the best stories), but pain I caused other people and poor decisions that did damage I could never repair.
The problem is, some mistakes really can't be corrected. Some hurts just can't be undone. As they say, it's like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. Sometimes the best we can do is to make amends. And no DELETE key can erase the past so we can do it over – do it better.
The past is what it is – past. And that, too, is good to remember. It is past. Over. Finished. There is no taking it back, yet no purpose is served in reliving and rehashing old memories. It is gone. My best self says to me, “Let it be a teacher.” So I try to learn from its harsh lessons as well as its joys. Then (and this is important), my best self adds, “Now just leave it. Leave it where it belongs – in the past.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson put it this way: “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day.”
Yes, tomorrow is a new day. Full of hope and promise and new beginnings. And that is something I might forget if life had a DELETE key.
-- Steve Goodier
And being one who blunders in grand fashion, I have empathy for others who wish they could go back and start over. Like the couple that phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. As the phone was answered they belted out the song "Happy Birthday." But when they finished their off-key rendition, they were informed that they had dialed the wrong number. After listening to their embarrassed apologies, the recipient said, "Don't let it bother you. You folks need all the practice you can get."
According to Tara Kelly Walworth (Reader's Digest), she and her new husband had an afternoon they may have wanted to take back. They arrived exhausted at their honeymoon destination in Daytona Beach, Florida (USA) and decided to refresh themselves in the motel pool. She figured she'd lost a few pounds leading up to the wedding when she discovered her skimpy, new bikini fit too loosely. Every time she dived into the pool she seemed to lose either the top or bottom. But since they had the pool to themselves, they just laughed and retrieved the pieces.
They later dressed for dinner and decided to eat in the motel restaurant. Waiting for a table in the lounge, they noticed a huge, empty, glistening fish tank above the bar. "Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty?" her husband asked the bartender.
The man grinned broadly and said, "That's not a fish tank. It's the swimming pool."
I think it was New York City Mayor Fiorello Laguardia who once said, “I rarely make a mistake. But when I do, it's a beaut!”
Have you ever wanted to take back an embarrassing moment? Or more importantly, how often have you regretted a hasty decision that ended with disastrous consequences? Or an unfair and angry outburst that caused unnecessary hurt? Some of my worst mistakes were not the embarrassing moments (later on they make the best stories), but pain I caused other people and poor decisions that did damage I could never repair.
The problem is, some mistakes really can't be corrected. Some hurts just can't be undone. As they say, it's like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. Sometimes the best we can do is to make amends. And no DELETE key can erase the past so we can do it over – do it better.
The past is what it is – past. And that, too, is good to remember. It is past. Over. Finished. There is no taking it back, yet no purpose is served in reliving and rehashing old memories. It is gone. My best self says to me, “Let it be a teacher.” So I try to learn from its harsh lessons as well as its joys. Then (and this is important), my best self adds, “Now just leave it. Leave it where it belongs – in the past.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson put it this way: “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day.”
Yes, tomorrow is a new day. Full of hope and promise and new beginnings. And that is something I might forget if life had a DELETE key.
-- Steve Goodier
Dec 1, 2013
Examining Your Life
Two brothers fulfilled their mother's last wish by hiring a small plane to carry them out to sea where they might scatter her ashes. One of the two pilots opened the cockpit door and the brothers immediately emptied the contents of the urn into the wind. But a stiff breeze blew the ashes back into the cabin, dusting the four startled occupants. A moment’s stunned silence, and then one of the young men sighed, “Just like Mom – she was always all over everyone.”
Maybe she was a critical person. But children, especially, often feel as if parents are “always all over them” when all those parents usually want is for their children to be the best they can be.
Humorist Franklin Jones said, “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.” And Norman Vincent Peale adds this: “Most of us would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.” Few of us enjoy the experience when others point out areas for improvement. After all, who wants to hear what they don't want to hear?
Criticism IS hard to take and I'll opt for praise over criticism every time. I hold that encouragement is often more effective than criticism. I will work harder and with more enthusiasm when I am encouraged, and I know I can get the best out of others if I spend more time pointing out what they did right than what they did wrong.
But that said – honest and objective feedback is a necessity. To shy away from fair criticism, spoken by someone trusted, may be a great mistake. Those who are wise will occasionally seek out somebody they trust to hold a mirror before them in order to see themselves more accurately. To know the truth and to see ourselves clearly, as reflected in the eyes of a friend, is an immeasurable gift.
And here's the surprising truth: As you gaze at yourself in the mirror held by another, you will see far more than your flaws. You also will see the beauty that is uniquely you; beauty that others see clearly and you may hardly know exists. That is also part of the truth about you.
If you're courageous enough, allow a trusted friend to hold that mirror before you. Plato says, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” But a life properly examined makes living worthwhile.
-- Steve Goodier
Maybe she was a critical person. But children, especially, often feel as if parents are “always all over them” when all those parents usually want is for their children to be the best they can be.
Humorist Franklin Jones said, “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.” And Norman Vincent Peale adds this: “Most of us would rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.” Few of us enjoy the experience when others point out areas for improvement. After all, who wants to hear what they don't want to hear?
Criticism IS hard to take and I'll opt for praise over criticism every time. I hold that encouragement is often more effective than criticism. I will work harder and with more enthusiasm when I am encouraged, and I know I can get the best out of others if I spend more time pointing out what they did right than what they did wrong.
But that said – honest and objective feedback is a necessity. To shy away from fair criticism, spoken by someone trusted, may be a great mistake. Those who are wise will occasionally seek out somebody they trust to hold a mirror before them in order to see themselves more accurately. To know the truth and to see ourselves clearly, as reflected in the eyes of a friend, is an immeasurable gift.
And here's the surprising truth: As you gaze at yourself in the mirror held by another, you will see far more than your flaws. You also will see the beauty that is uniquely you; beauty that others see clearly and you may hardly know exists. That is also part of the truth about you.
If you're courageous enough, allow a trusted friend to hold that mirror before you. Plato says, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” But a life properly examined makes living worthwhile.
-- Steve Goodier
Nov 3, 2013
People Matter
In their book The Big Book of Jewish Humor (HarperCollins, 1981), authors Novak and Waldoks tell of a woman from New York who, on her 80th birthday, decided to prepare her last will and testament. She went to her rabbi to make two final requests. First, she insisted on cremation.
“What is your second request?” the rabbi asked.
“I want my ashes scattered over the Bloomingdale’s store.”
“Why Bloomingdale’s?”
“Then I’ll be sure that my daughters visit me twice a week.”
I know we can't ensure others will show they care in the way we expect, though we all want to know that people do care. Maybe it's about being assured that we are not alone in this world. For that reason, we are drawn to those who make us feel as if we matter.
My grandmother was such a person. She was someone who made me feel important to her. She lived far away, so visits were special. When we got together she acted as if she truly missed me. Some days she would slip me little gifts – like chewing gum, a homemade cookie or money “so you can buy yourself a treat.” She once whispered that I was her favorite. (I now have evidence that she said the same thing to each of her grandchildren, which still causes me to chuckle.) She made the effort to be present at the important times in my life.
I felt valued by her. She took me seriously. At age eight or nine I complained one day that I had trouble breathing and I said that I thought my nasal passage was somehow blocked. She actually put her finger up my nose to feel for an obstruction. (Did I mention she was blind?) There was a blockage and because of her intervention with my family I eventually saw a doctor and had corrective surgery.
I don't remember her ever telling me how much she cared about me. It just wasn't her way. She wasn't gushy and she didn't often say those things to people. But she told me how she felt in a different way – she noticed me. She paid attention to me. I felt as if I were a piece in her life puzzle and she would notice if I were missing or didn't fit in just right. And my awareness of this made a huge difference.
Poet Maya Angelou writes:
“People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel.”
I wonder what would happen if I set out to make everyone in my presence feel as I felt around my grandmother – like they matter. How would that change the way I treat others and what difference might it make to them?
Who doesn't want to know that we notice them and value them? And who might respond to us better when they feel that they matter?
It probably cannot be overstated – it matters...that people matter.
-- Steve Goodier
“What is your second request?” the rabbi asked.
“I want my ashes scattered over the Bloomingdale’s store.”
“Why Bloomingdale’s?”
“Then I’ll be sure that my daughters visit me twice a week.”
I know we can't ensure others will show they care in the way we expect, though we all want to know that people do care. Maybe it's about being assured that we are not alone in this world. For that reason, we are drawn to those who make us feel as if we matter.
My grandmother was such a person. She was someone who made me feel important to her. She lived far away, so visits were special. When we got together she acted as if she truly missed me. Some days she would slip me little gifts – like chewing gum, a homemade cookie or money “so you can buy yourself a treat.” She once whispered that I was her favorite. (I now have evidence that she said the same thing to each of her grandchildren, which still causes me to chuckle.) She made the effort to be present at the important times in my life.
I felt valued by her. She took me seriously. At age eight or nine I complained one day that I had trouble breathing and I said that I thought my nasal passage was somehow blocked. She actually put her finger up my nose to feel for an obstruction. (Did I mention she was blind?) There was a blockage and because of her intervention with my family I eventually saw a doctor and had corrective surgery.
I don't remember her ever telling me how much she cared about me. It just wasn't her way. She wasn't gushy and she didn't often say those things to people. But she told me how she felt in a different way – she noticed me. She paid attention to me. I felt as if I were a piece in her life puzzle and she would notice if I were missing or didn't fit in just right. And my awareness of this made a huge difference.
Poet Maya Angelou writes:
“People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel.”
I wonder what would happen if I set out to make everyone in my presence feel as I felt around my grandmother – like they matter. How would that change the way I treat others and what difference might it make to them?
Who doesn't want to know that we notice them and value them? And who might respond to us better when they feel that they matter?
It probably cannot be overstated – it matters...that people matter.
-- Steve Goodier
Nov 1, 2013
Scenery
The scenery I see when I cycle to work and back home ... which otherwise I might not pass by these places at all.
Punggol Waterway Park
Pasir Ris Farmway
Tampines Ave 10
Bedok Reservoir Park
Punggol Waterway Park
Pasir Ris Farmway
Tampines Ave 10
Bedok Reservoir Park
Oct 19, 2013
How I Started Cycling Again And Then Cycle To Work
Back in 2002, I had a GT mountain bike and used to cycle everywhere with my friend.
But had to sell it away when I moved house in 2007 as no space to keep the bike.
4 years later, in 2011, I started cycling again.
-------------------------------------
After moving to Punggol, I decided to get a foldable bike. Why? There's a great place to cycle just in our backyard - Punggol Waterway Park. And I need some form of exercise anyway.
I wanted a foldable bike that I could keep in the storeroom as the kids are still young, do not want them to mess around and injure themselves on the exposed parts of the bike.
Looked around and started off with a budget foldie (short form for a foldable bike) - StepDragon SS3, got it from a guy who imports them from Taiwan directly, hence, cheaper price as less markup costs.
Joined LoveCycling SG (LCSG) and happened to see a post by Steve of Hands On Bike blog, comparing cheap bikes vs premium bikes, made me realise that 一分钱，一分货 (you get what you pay for), some things are cheaper for a reason, you just have to know what you are paying for.
So I looked around again and upgraded to a Dahon Vitesse P16 (bought pre-owned from Togoparts) and started cycling in the park in the early morning hours and back home before the kids wake up, have a quick shower and off to work I go.
Sometime in March 2012, I went for a night ride with a fellow cyclist, Dean Tan and his wife, Grace, who are also staying in Punggol, after my kids are asleep. A couple of rides later with more and more cyclists joining, Punggol Night Riders (PNR) was founded as a FaceBook group, to make it easier for like-minded cyclists to organise rides and chit-chat about bicycle stuff, sharing lobang, etc.
-------------------------------------
Ok, fast forward the next few months to August 2012, wife started to "feedback" that I cycle too often in the wee hours and sometimes, she have to wake up and help attend to the kids and this disturbed her sleep. You see, I used to do the night shift, taking care of the kids since they were babies.
That got me thinking about cycling to work. At first, I was a bit apprehensive as I tend to sweat a lot when exercising. Finally, after reading all the "Cycling to work" posts by Taiwoon (co-founder of LCSG) of smallwheelsbigsmile blog, Noel Tan's and Jel's experiences convinced me to try it out and see how it goes.
I started off with cycling to work from Monday to Thursday and on Friday (which is PNR night ride), I take the company bus to work, bringing in all my work attire for the next week.
Taking Noel's advice on just wiping down and changing into work attire, I find it quite alright. So far, none of my colleagues ever commented that I smell bad in the office ... LOL
Not long after, I sold off the Dahon and got a Brompton, for its compact fold and bags system, which I have been contemplating for quite a while already, mainly because of its price tag and proprietary parts. Welcome to the fold, so they say. And the rest was history ...
And this was how I started cycling to work.
It has been slightly over a year ... I do not cycle to work everyday, if it rains or I am tired, I take the train/bus.
As Noel says "it's not an obligation to bike to work, sometimes when I'm tired I still take the bus."
Same goes for me, but on the days that I cycle to work, I feel fresher somewhat. :D
And Jel mentioned "... still deciding whether or not to cycle to work the trick is not to overthink it and just go for it. As the old saying goes “If there’s a will, there’s a way”."
So I just did it! :) and enjoying it!
-------------------------------------
If you are thinking about it, I hope this would inspire you to try it out.
If still not motivated, then see this video :D
But had to sell it away when I moved house in 2007 as no space to keep the bike.
4 years later, in 2011, I started cycling again.
-------------------------------------
After moving to Punggol, I decided to get a foldable bike. Why? There's a great place to cycle just in our backyard - Punggol Waterway Park. And I need some form of exercise anyway.
I wanted a foldable bike that I could keep in the storeroom as the kids are still young, do not want them to mess around and injure themselves on the exposed parts of the bike.
Looked around and started off with a budget foldie (short form for a foldable bike) - StepDragon SS3, got it from a guy who imports them from Taiwan directly, hence, cheaper price as less markup costs.
Joined LoveCycling SG (LCSG) and happened to see a post by Steve of Hands On Bike blog, comparing cheap bikes vs premium bikes, made me realise that 一分钱，一分货 (you get what you pay for), some things are cheaper for a reason, you just have to know what you are paying for.
So I looked around again and upgraded to a Dahon Vitesse P16 (bought pre-owned from Togoparts) and started cycling in the park in the early morning hours and back home before the kids wake up, have a quick shower and off to work I go.
-------------------------------------
Ok, fast forward the next few months to August 2012, wife started to "feedback" that I cycle too often in the wee hours and sometimes, she have to wake up and help attend to the kids and this disturbed her sleep. You see, I used to do the night shift, taking care of the kids since they were babies.
That got me thinking about cycling to work. At first, I was a bit apprehensive as I tend to sweat a lot when exercising. Finally, after reading all the "Cycling to work" posts by Taiwoon (co-founder of LCSG) of smallwheelsbigsmile blog, Noel Tan's and Jel's experiences convinced me to try it out and see how it goes.
I started off with cycling to work from Monday to Thursday and on Friday (which is PNR night ride), I take the company bus to work, bringing in all my work attire for the next week.
Taking Noel's advice on just wiping down and changing into work attire, I find it quite alright. So far, none of my colleagues ever commented that I smell bad in the office ... LOL
Not long after, I sold off the Dahon and got a Brompton, for its compact fold and bags system, which I have been contemplating for quite a while already, mainly because of its price tag and proprietary parts. Welcome to the fold, so they say. And the rest was history ...
It has been slightly over a year ... I do not cycle to work everyday, if it rains or I am tired, I take the train/bus.
As Noel says "it's not an obligation to bike to work, sometimes when I'm tired I still take the bus."
Same goes for me, but on the days that I cycle to work, I feel fresher somewhat. :D
And Jel mentioned "... still deciding whether or not to cycle to work the trick is not to overthink it and just go for it. As the old saying goes “If there’s a will, there’s a way”."
So I just did it! :) and enjoying it!
-------------------------------------
If you are thinking about it, I hope this would inspire you to try it out.
If still not motivated, then see this video :D
Oct 4, 2013
Oct 1, 2013
Will You Play Your Music?
I heard of a recruiter for jump school, the name given for military parachute training, who explains the training this way: “Jump school is three weeks long. The first week they separate the men from the boys.” (Presumably, they also separate the women from the girls.) He goes on to say, “Week two they separate the men from the fools. And week three, the fools jump.”
We once visited friends and sat outside where we watched paragliders and hang gliders soaring overhead, suspended from colorful wings. They rose up into the sky upon invisible warm currents of air and floated effortlessly by -- trusting in their equipment and their ability to keep them from crashing into the earth. But isn't that risky? Maybe a little. But what a thrill to experience!
My son is a rock climber. Using toeholds and fingertip holds he makes his way up the shear face of a cliff. Though he fell once and broke his arm, he's back out there again. Why? Isn't that risky? Perhaps, but he likes the feeling of satisfaction of conquering the mountain and succeeding at a difficult endeavor.
Of course, one doesn't have to participate in sports to experience risks. Just buy stocks and bonds. I've been told that October is one of the riskiest months to buy stocks. The other dangerous months are January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November and December.
There is risk in all of life. But aren't some things worth it? Artist Vincent van Gogh put it this way: “The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore.” There are good and valid reasons to take necessary risks. In fact, I am sure we cannot experience a full life and shy away from all risk at the same time. We usually have a choice...we can choose to live boldly or we can choose fear. But be sure of this: the one we pick is all important.
Especially when it comes to major life decisions. Deciding to pursue a compelling idea. Going back to school. Changing vocations. Marriage and family. Moving to a brand new location ... these can be chancy life choices. We can listen to our hearts, or we can decide not to take risks, not to do the scary thing and, perhaps, not to fully live.
May Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay Inc., once remarked, “Most people live and die with their music still unplayed. They never dare to try.” Is that true? If so, I think that is sad. Is it because most people are afraid? At the end of my life, I don't want to say I always played it safe, I want to say I played my music. I want to say I attempted to stretch my wings and jump. I want to believe I took reasonable risks at the right times.
I have not always chosen the safest path. I've made my mistakes, plenty of them. I sometimes jump too soon and fail to appreciate the consequences. But I've learned something important along the way: I've learned to heed the call of my heart. I've learned that the safest path is not always the best path and I've learned that the voice of fear is not always to be trusted. I've also learned that, if I am to live my life to the fullest, I must not let my music die inside me.
Will you just play it safe? Or will you play your music?
-- Steve Goodier
We once visited friends and sat outside where we watched paragliders and hang gliders soaring overhead, suspended from colorful wings. They rose up into the sky upon invisible warm currents of air and floated effortlessly by -- trusting in their equipment and their ability to keep them from crashing into the earth. But isn't that risky? Maybe a little. But what a thrill to experience!
My son is a rock climber. Using toeholds and fingertip holds he makes his way up the shear face of a cliff. Though he fell once and broke his arm, he's back out there again. Why? Isn't that risky? Perhaps, but he likes the feeling of satisfaction of conquering the mountain and succeeding at a difficult endeavor.
Of course, one doesn't have to participate in sports to experience risks. Just buy stocks and bonds. I've been told that October is one of the riskiest months to buy stocks. The other dangerous months are January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November and December.
There is risk in all of life. But aren't some things worth it? Artist Vincent van Gogh put it this way: “The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore.” There are good and valid reasons to take necessary risks. In fact, I am sure we cannot experience a full life and shy away from all risk at the same time. We usually have a choice...we can choose to live boldly or we can choose fear. But be sure of this: the one we pick is all important.
Especially when it comes to major life decisions. Deciding to pursue a compelling idea. Going back to school. Changing vocations. Marriage and family. Moving to a brand new location ... these can be chancy life choices. We can listen to our hearts, or we can decide not to take risks, not to do the scary thing and, perhaps, not to fully live.
May Kay Ash, founder of Mary Kay Inc., once remarked, “Most people live and die with their music still unplayed. They never dare to try.” Is that true? If so, I think that is sad. Is it because most people are afraid? At the end of my life, I don't want to say I always played it safe, I want to say I played my music. I want to say I attempted to stretch my wings and jump. I want to believe I took reasonable risks at the right times.
I have not always chosen the safest path. I've made my mistakes, plenty of them. I sometimes jump too soon and fail to appreciate the consequences. But I've learned something important along the way: I've learned to heed the call of my heart. I've learned that the safest path is not always the best path and I've learned that the voice of fear is not always to be trusted. I've also learned that, if I am to live my life to the fullest, I must not let my music die inside me.
Will you just play it safe? Or will you play your music?
-- Steve Goodier
Sep 11, 2013
Remembering Singapore
Sama-sama maju ke hadapan
Pandai cari pelajaran
Jaga diri dalam kesihatan
Serta sopan-santun dengan kawan-kawan
Dengan hati bersih serta suci
Sama-sama hormat dan berbudi
Jaga tingkah pemuda-pemudi
Adat dan budaya junjung tinggi
Capailah lekas cita-cita pemudi-pemuda
Supaya kita ada harga di mata dunia
Kalau kita lengah serta lupa
Hidup kita sia-sia
Jiwa besar sihat serta segar
Rajin dengan sabar tentu bahagia
Lemah lembut perangai pemudi
Cergas tangkas wataknya pemuda
Suka rela selalu berbakti
Sikap yang pembela dan berjasa
Capailah nama yang mulia pemudi-pemuda
Rajinlah supaya berjaya semoga bahagia
English translation:
Together we progress onward
Clever at seeking knowledge
Take care of your health
And be courteous to your friends
With a heart that is clean and pure
Together we respect and do good
Watch your behaviour, oh youths
Customs and cultures, hold them high
Quickly reach your ambitions, oh youths
So that we'll have our worth, in the eyes of the world
If we are lazy and forgetful
Our lives are for nothing
A good soul, a healthy and fresh mind
Hard work and patience, definitely brings happiness
Soft-spoken is the lady
Energetic and tenacious is the man
Charitable, always contributing
Protecting and giving service
Attain a respectable position, oh youths
Be hardworking so that you will succeed, may you achieve happiness
Sep 1, 2013
Why We Need to Help Others
There is actually a reason that we need to help others. If a blind person is in danger of falling down a cliff because they cannot see and you have eyes to see that person's life is in danger and arms to hold them, it doesn't matter if that person doesn't ask you to help them. Your help does not depend on their asking you for it. Just having the capacity to help is itself enough reason for us to run to that person and grab them before they fall down the cliff.
We have the same need to help other sentient beings--and it doesn't depend on their personally asking for our help. We should help them simply because we have the capacity, or potential, to help them now.
And even if we don't have the capacity to help them now, we can develop it by increasing our compassion and wisdom so that we can benefit others more and more deeply. The more compassion and wisdom we are able to develop, the more power we will have to liberate others from all suffering and its cause, which is within them, on their mental continuum. The cause of their suffering is their karma and delusions, their mistaken ways of thinking, and the negative imprints left by them on their mental continuum. We have every opportunity to develop our capacity, our compassion and wisdom, and be able to help others. Because we have the opportunity, we should help others.
The basic reason that we need to help others is simply that others are suffering and need our help and we have opportunity to help them now and to further develop our potential to help others.
This is the reason that I normally give as to why we need to help others. It is a clean-clear pure reason: it is simply that a sentient being is suffering and needs our help. Of course, you incidentally get a lot of benefit from helping others. You get skies of benefit when you help others sincerely from your heart, by knowing that the meaning of your being born as a human being at this time is to serve others. The purpose of your life is to serve others. When we serve others with this knowledge and with compassion, our everyday life brings us so much peace, happiness, and satisfaction. Our inner life is then full rather than empty.
In this world there are billionaires and other wealthy people whose attitude to life is not one of serving others but of using others for their own happiness. Their main aim is to make themselves happy and to avoid problems for themselves, but rather than searching for satisfaction from within their own mind, they look to achieve satisfaction from outside themselves. Even though they might be very comfortable externally, their inner life is miserable and filled with dissatisfaction. Their inner life is sad and empty.
There needs to be a total change of mind by thinking, "The purpose of my life is to serve others. Why have I been born a human being, with this rare and precious human body? I have received it to serve others, to free others from all their suffering and to bring them all happiness: the happiness of this life and of future lives and the ultimate happiness that is free from all suffering and all causes of suffering (karma and delusions, or negative emotional thoughts), especially the highest happiness of enlightenment. To bring them all this happiness is the purpose of my life."
Serving others with a sincere heart brings us so much peace and satisfaction every day. When we do the work sincerely, it gives us so much peace, happiness and fulfillment. We feel happy, and we see our life as meaningful. It fills our life with happiness and satisfaction now and also ensures that we have the best future.
By serving others with a sincere heart, we have the best future. Helping to look after people who are sick and dying is itself the best preparation for our own death. By taking care of others--whether one or many--we collect so much merit and purify so much negative karma, and this means our death will come easily and without fear. Fear of death doesn't come from outside, but from within our own mind, because of our delusions and negative karma. Fear is the result of attachment and other negative emotional thoughts and of the negative karma collected in the past. By serving others with a sincere mind in our everyday life, we purify so much of those negative karmas and develop a good heart.
Excerpted from a talk Kyabje Lama Zopa Rinpoche gave to the workers at Cittamani Hospice Service, April 2000. Edited by Ven. Ailsa Cameron. You can read the entire talk here.
We have the same need to help other sentient beings--and it doesn't depend on their personally asking for our help. We should help them simply because we have the capacity, or potential, to help them now.
And even if we don't have the capacity to help them now, we can develop it by increasing our compassion and wisdom so that we can benefit others more and more deeply. The more compassion and wisdom we are able to develop, the more power we will have to liberate others from all suffering and its cause, which is within them, on their mental continuum. The cause of their suffering is their karma and delusions, their mistaken ways of thinking, and the negative imprints left by them on their mental continuum. We have every opportunity to develop our capacity, our compassion and wisdom, and be able to help others. Because we have the opportunity, we should help others.
The basic reason that we need to help others is simply that others are suffering and need our help and we have opportunity to help them now and to further develop our potential to help others.
This is the reason that I normally give as to why we need to help others. It is a clean-clear pure reason: it is simply that a sentient being is suffering and needs our help. Of course, you incidentally get a lot of benefit from helping others. You get skies of benefit when you help others sincerely from your heart, by knowing that the meaning of your being born as a human being at this time is to serve others. The purpose of your life is to serve others. When we serve others with this knowledge and with compassion, our everyday life brings us so much peace, happiness, and satisfaction. Our inner life is then full rather than empty.
In this world there are billionaires and other wealthy people whose attitude to life is not one of serving others but of using others for their own happiness. Their main aim is to make themselves happy and to avoid problems for themselves, but rather than searching for satisfaction from within their own mind, they look to achieve satisfaction from outside themselves. Even though they might be very comfortable externally, their inner life is miserable and filled with dissatisfaction. Their inner life is sad and empty.
There needs to be a total change of mind by thinking, "The purpose of my life is to serve others. Why have I been born a human being, with this rare and precious human body? I have received it to serve others, to free others from all their suffering and to bring them all happiness: the happiness of this life and of future lives and the ultimate happiness that is free from all suffering and all causes of suffering (karma and delusions, or negative emotional thoughts), especially the highest happiness of enlightenment. To bring them all this happiness is the purpose of my life."
Serving others with a sincere heart brings us so much peace and satisfaction every day. When we do the work sincerely, it gives us so much peace, happiness and fulfillment. We feel happy, and we see our life as meaningful. It fills our life with happiness and satisfaction now and also ensures that we have the best future.
By serving others with a sincere heart, we have the best future. Helping to look after people who are sick and dying is itself the best preparation for our own death. By taking care of others--whether one or many--we collect so much merit and purify so much negative karma, and this means our death will come easily and without fear. Fear of death doesn't come from outside, but from within our own mind, because of our delusions and negative karma. Fear is the result of attachment and other negative emotional thoughts and of the negative karma collected in the past. By serving others with a sincere mind in our everyday life, we purify so much of those negative karmas and develop a good heart.
Excerpted from a talk Kyabje Lama Zopa Rinpoche gave to the workers at Cittamani Hospice Service, April 2000. Edited by Ven. Ailsa Cameron. You can read the entire talk here.
Aug 8, 2013
Ten Leadership Blunders
Comedian Bill Cosby once said, “I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss' job...and I don't want it!”
Like it or not, there are times we are in charge. There are times we are all leaders – as a parent, in the classroom, through work, in a club, on a sports team or in a volunteer organization. And we can always become better leaders. Here are ten common leadership blunders better leaders avoid.
1. Some leaders are blind to the current situation. They solve the wrong problems in the wrong way. They bandage an infected thumb but do not pull the splinter. Better leaders work hard to understand the real problem before responding.
2. Some leaders discourage those they lead. They find fault and blame. They criticize when things don't go right. Better leaders encourage. They give credit when things go well and take responsibility for problems.
Alabama football coach "Bear" Bryant was once asked how he inspired his players. He responded, "Well, I'm just an old plow hand from Arkansas, but I've learned a few things about getting people to do what you want them to do. When things go wrong, I did it. When things go semi-good, we did it. And when things go good, you did it. That's all it takes to hold a team together…."
3. Some leaders believe they have all the answers they need. Better leaders keep learning. A cross-discipline study of leadership indicated that effective leaders in all fields are always learning. They understand that a spurt here and a spurt there does not make an expert.
4. Some leaders shy away from courageous decisions. They prefer to keep things as they are, even if the system is not working all that well. They will almost always follow the well-worn path. Better leaders will often go where there is no path and leave a trail. They trust their instincts and act boldly.
5. Some leaders keep others in their place. They remind them who is boss. Better leaders know that authority earned trumps authority granted.
A young Army officer found that he did not have the correct change for a soft drink vending machine. Noticing a subordinate nearby, he said, "Private, do you have change for a dollar?" Cheerfully, the man said, "I think so. Here, let me look." "That is no way to address your superior, soldier!" scolded the officer. "Now, let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?" The soldier snapped to attention, saluted and said, "NO, SIR!"
The officer’s authority was granted, but he had yet to earn respect from those he led.
6. Some leaders would rather do the work themselves. They are slow to delegate. They micro-manage and control. Better leaders identify strengths and limitations of those they lead. They assign, train, encourage and then get out of the way.
7. Some leaders sabotage the successes of others. When those below them succeed, they feel threatened. Better leaders help their subordinates find success. They give a hand up. They realize that when one is lifted onto another's shoulders, both stand taller.
8. Some leaders ask others to do what they are not willing to do themselves, and try to get others to go places they have not been. Better leaders always lead by example. They get out in front and lead, they don’t push from behind.
9. Some leaders motivate by force. They cajole, intimidate, threaten and issue ultimatums. Better leaders understand that people respond best to positive incentive. They build morale.
10. Some leaders do not listen well to those they lead. Their minds are already made up and they charge recklessly ahead. Better leaders listen closely to those they want to influence.
U.S. Secretary of State Dean Rusk once said, "One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears -- by listening to them." Great salespeople know this. Great motivators know this. Great leaders know this.
Maybe you've seen the boss' job and you don't want it, but we are all in charge at times. Be a better leader and you will help build a better world.
-- Steve Goodier
Like it or not, there are times we are in charge. There are times we are all leaders – as a parent, in the classroom, through work, in a club, on a sports team or in a volunteer organization. And we can always become better leaders. Here are ten common leadership blunders better leaders avoid.
1. Some leaders are blind to the current situation. They solve the wrong problems in the wrong way. They bandage an infected thumb but do not pull the splinter. Better leaders work hard to understand the real problem before responding.
2. Some leaders discourage those they lead. They find fault and blame. They criticize when things don't go right. Better leaders encourage. They give credit when things go well and take responsibility for problems.
Alabama football coach "Bear" Bryant was once asked how he inspired his players. He responded, "Well, I'm just an old plow hand from Arkansas, but I've learned a few things about getting people to do what you want them to do. When things go wrong, I did it. When things go semi-good, we did it. And when things go good, you did it. That's all it takes to hold a team together…."
3. Some leaders believe they have all the answers they need. Better leaders keep learning. A cross-discipline study of leadership indicated that effective leaders in all fields are always learning. They understand that a spurt here and a spurt there does not make an expert.
4. Some leaders shy away from courageous decisions. They prefer to keep things as they are, even if the system is not working all that well. They will almost always follow the well-worn path. Better leaders will often go where there is no path and leave a trail. They trust their instincts and act boldly.
5. Some leaders keep others in their place. They remind them who is boss. Better leaders know that authority earned trumps authority granted.
A young Army officer found that he did not have the correct change for a soft drink vending machine. Noticing a subordinate nearby, he said, "Private, do you have change for a dollar?" Cheerfully, the man said, "I think so. Here, let me look." "That is no way to address your superior, soldier!" scolded the officer. "Now, let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?" The soldier snapped to attention, saluted and said, "NO, SIR!"
The officer’s authority was granted, but he had yet to earn respect from those he led.
6. Some leaders would rather do the work themselves. They are slow to delegate. They micro-manage and control. Better leaders identify strengths and limitations of those they lead. They assign, train, encourage and then get out of the way.
7. Some leaders sabotage the successes of others. When those below them succeed, they feel threatened. Better leaders help their subordinates find success. They give a hand up. They realize that when one is lifted onto another's shoulders, both stand taller.
8. Some leaders ask others to do what they are not willing to do themselves, and try to get others to go places they have not been. Better leaders always lead by example. They get out in front and lead, they don’t push from behind.
9. Some leaders motivate by force. They cajole, intimidate, threaten and issue ultimatums. Better leaders understand that people respond best to positive incentive. They build morale.
10. Some leaders do not listen well to those they lead. Their minds are already made up and they charge recklessly ahead. Better leaders listen closely to those they want to influence.
U.S. Secretary of State Dean Rusk once said, "One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears -- by listening to them." Great salespeople know this. Great motivators know this. Great leaders know this.
Maybe you've seen the boss' job and you don't want it, but we are all in charge at times. Be a better leader and you will help build a better world.
-- Steve Goodier
Aug 1, 2013
Singapore's Birthday
During my Primary school days, I still remember the school will sell those cassette tapes of National Day songs to the students during National Day period.
This is one of my favourite national song - "Count on me, Singapore".
Jul 9, 2013
The Magic Is Inside You
When Jeanne Calment turned 120 years old, she was asked what her view of the future was. "Very brief," she responded. I would imagine so at 120, but I expect I still have a future.
What is your view of the future?
A lonely frog called a psychic hotline. "You will meet a beautiful young woman who will want to learn all about you," the psychic advisor told him.
"Where will I meet her?" he asked. "Down by the old mill stream?"
"No," she said. "In biology class."
I think I would want to call another psychic for a second opinion.
Scott Adams, of "Dilbert" comic strip fame, says this about predictions: "There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as 'nutty methods.' Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as `a complete waste of time.'"
I received a postcard from a psychic advisor once. It said that if I call a certain number (one for which I would be charged a hefty fee), she would lead me through a hazy future to clarity and happiness. I wondered if she really could tell me important details about my life and future – I mean, clarity and happiness don't sound half bad. Then I turned the card over. I noticed that it was addressed to the wrong house. That's when I thought, if she doesn't even know where I am, how can she know where I am going?
But if the future is not ours to see, I'm okay with that because I go along with Dolly Parton in her song "These Old Bones." Dolly sings, "You just remember that the magic is inside you, there ain't no crystal ball." The magic is inside you. Maybe not the magic to see into the future, but certainly the magic to shape it.
At the end of my life, what will matter to me? Not that I ever had the ability foresee my future (I have little interest in that), but that I had a hand in shaping it. I refuse to think my life is in the hands of the fates and what will be, will be. I have dreams. I have longings. I have significant aspirations for my own future and even for the world. Much of the world I can't influence. But I can control my thoughts and actions; I can choose my attitudes and behaviors. That is the magic inside me. I can largely shape who I will become, and when I do, I am shaping my future.
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams," said Eleanor Roosevelt, a woman who did much to change the world around her. If there is only one thing to do today, that would be it: to believe in the beauty of my dreams. Really believe in them. That's where the magic is and anything can happen.
-- Steve Goodier
What is your view of the future?
A lonely frog called a psychic hotline. "You will meet a beautiful young woman who will want to learn all about you," the psychic advisor told him.
"Where will I meet her?" he asked. "Down by the old mill stream?"
"No," she said. "In biology class."
I think I would want to call another psychic for a second opinion.
Scott Adams, of "Dilbert" comic strip fame, says this about predictions: "There are many methods for predicting the future. For example, you can read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls. Collectively, these methods are known as 'nutty methods.' Or you can put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer models, more commonly referred to as `a complete waste of time.'"
I received a postcard from a psychic advisor once. It said that if I call a certain number (one for which I would be charged a hefty fee), she would lead me through a hazy future to clarity and happiness. I wondered if she really could tell me important details about my life and future – I mean, clarity and happiness don't sound half bad. Then I turned the card over. I noticed that it was addressed to the wrong house. That's when I thought, if she doesn't even know where I am, how can she know where I am going?
But if the future is not ours to see, I'm okay with that because I go along with Dolly Parton in her song "These Old Bones." Dolly sings, "You just remember that the magic is inside you, there ain't no crystal ball." The magic is inside you. Maybe not the magic to see into the future, but certainly the magic to shape it.
At the end of my life, what will matter to me? Not that I ever had the ability foresee my future (I have little interest in that), but that I had a hand in shaping it. I refuse to think my life is in the hands of the fates and what will be, will be. I have dreams. I have longings. I have significant aspirations for my own future and even for the world. Much of the world I can't influence. But I can control my thoughts and actions; I can choose my attitudes and behaviors. That is the magic inside me. I can largely shape who I will become, and when I do, I am shaping my future.
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams," said Eleanor Roosevelt, a woman who did much to change the world around her. If there is only one thing to do today, that would be it: to believe in the beauty of my dreams. Really believe in them. That's where the magic is and anything can happen.
-- Steve Goodier
Jun 22, 2013
Un-Thanked People
When William Stidger taught at Boston University, he once reflected upon the great number of un-thanked people in his life. Those who had helped nurture him, inspire him or who cared enough about him to leave a lasting impression.
One was a schoolteacher he'd not heard of in many years. But he remembered that she had gone out of her way to put a love of verse in him, and Will had loved poetry all his life. He wrote a letter of thanks to her.
The reply he received, written in the feeble scrawl of the aged, began, "My dear Willie." He was delighted. Now over 50, bald and a professor, he didn't think there was a person left in the world who would call him "Willie." Here is that letter:
"My dear Willie,
I cannot tell you how much your note meant to me. I am in my eighties, living alone in a small room, cooking my own meals, lonely and, like the last leaf of autumn, lingering behind. You will be interested to know that I taught school for 50 years and yours is the first note of appreciation I ever received. It came on a blue-cold morning and it cheered me as nothing has in many years."
Not prone to cry easily, Bill wept over that note. She was one of the great un-thanked people from Bill's past. You know them. We all do. The teacher who made a difference. That coach we'll never forget. The music instructor or Sunday school worker who helped us to believe in ourselves. That scout leader who cared.
We all remember people who shaped our lives in various ways. People whose influence changed us. Bill Stidger found a way to show his appreciation – he wrote them letters.
Who are some of the un-thanked people from your past? It may not be too late to say, "Thanks."
-- Steve Goodier
One was a schoolteacher he'd not heard of in many years. But he remembered that she had gone out of her way to put a love of verse in him, and Will had loved poetry all his life. He wrote a letter of thanks to her.
The reply he received, written in the feeble scrawl of the aged, began, "My dear Willie." He was delighted. Now over 50, bald and a professor, he didn't think there was a person left in the world who would call him "Willie." Here is that letter:
"My dear Willie,
I cannot tell you how much your note meant to me. I am in my eighties, living alone in a small room, cooking my own meals, lonely and, like the last leaf of autumn, lingering behind. You will be interested to know that I taught school for 50 years and yours is the first note of appreciation I ever received. It came on a blue-cold morning and it cheered me as nothing has in many years."
Not prone to cry easily, Bill wept over that note. She was one of the great un-thanked people from Bill's past. You know them. We all do. The teacher who made a difference. That coach we'll never forget. The music instructor or Sunday school worker who helped us to believe in ourselves. That scout leader who cared.
We all remember people who shaped our lives in various ways. People whose influence changed us. Bill Stidger found a way to show his appreciation – he wrote them letters.
Who are some of the un-thanked people from your past? It may not be too late to say, "Thanks."
-- Steve Goodier
Jun 15, 2013
The Smiling Game
It's been said that a smile is the lighting system of the face, the cooling system of the head and the heating system of the heart. But a smile is also a powerful weapon against toxic attitudes of all kinds.
Lisa Gurnsey, of Portland, Oregon, wrote to me about a man whose smile quite literally changed her life: "I was having a horrible day -- hating my job, tired of the weather, tired of trying to keep up on bills, and just completely stressed out. I stopped at the post office in the morning and, as I was entering, an older business man commented to me that it was going to be a good day and life shouldn't be as bad as I make it look. I glared at him and simply said, 'I wish it was Friday.'
"I felt better about my day when I left the post office...that man's smile and comment, although irritating at first, made me think.
"The second time I ran into the man I went out of my way to say 'Happy Friday' to him and to smile. I saw him a few more times and always he was cheery and 'made my day.'
"I looked for him around Christmas time to give him a card and explain how his kind words and smile that very first day made me regroup my thinking and realize I didn't have it so bad. But I have not seen him at the post office since then. I look every morning...I go at different times to see if I can catch him. Maybe he retired, maybe he is ill. I think to myself, 'I wish I had thanked him for being a kind person.' I can honestly say this man changed my life. I will work to spread that same feeling to those I see in need of a smile."
We can never know the impact a simple smile has on another. Smiling is one of the easiest things we can do. Is there a simpler, more effortless way to give everyone you meet a moment of joy, even a sense of worth?
Speaker Josh Hinds makes this suggestion: "Play the smiling game in your daily life. See how many people you can get to smile back at you. Keep score and tally the results at the end of each day."
That sounds like a game we can all play. The rules are simple. There are lots of winners. And who knows? You just might "make" someone's day -- even if that someone is you.
-- Steve Goodier
Lisa Gurnsey, of Portland, Oregon, wrote to me about a man whose smile quite literally changed her life: "I was having a horrible day -- hating my job, tired of the weather, tired of trying to keep up on bills, and just completely stressed out. I stopped at the post office in the morning and, as I was entering, an older business man commented to me that it was going to be a good day and life shouldn't be as bad as I make it look. I glared at him and simply said, 'I wish it was Friday.'
"I felt better about my day when I left the post office...that man's smile and comment, although irritating at first, made me think.
"The second time I ran into the man I went out of my way to say 'Happy Friday' to him and to smile. I saw him a few more times and always he was cheery and 'made my day.'
"I looked for him around Christmas time to give him a card and explain how his kind words and smile that very first day made me regroup my thinking and realize I didn't have it so bad. But I have not seen him at the post office since then. I look every morning...I go at different times to see if I can catch him. Maybe he retired, maybe he is ill. I think to myself, 'I wish I had thanked him for being a kind person.' I can honestly say this man changed my life. I will work to spread that same feeling to those I see in need of a smile."
We can never know the impact a simple smile has on another. Smiling is one of the easiest things we can do. Is there a simpler, more effortless way to give everyone you meet a moment of joy, even a sense of worth?
Speaker Josh Hinds makes this suggestion: "Play the smiling game in your daily life. See how many people you can get to smile back at you. Keep score and tally the results at the end of each day."
That sounds like a game we can all play. The rules are simple. There are lots of winners. And who knows? You just might "make" someone's day -- even if that someone is you.
-- Steve Goodier
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)